TBT: I Didn’t Come on Venmo to Make Friends
This is Venmo, Bitches!
I didn’t come on Venmo to make friends. I came on Venmo to win. And I plan on winning by having a convenient way to reimburse Stacy the $17.26 that I owe her after she covered my half of brunch.
I don’t need your Venmo friend request. I am not going to form an alliance with you. This is Venmo, Bitches. I’m going to send the people I know money from an app that I downloaded on to my iPhone 7. But I am not — I repeat — not going to be Venmo friends with you.
I’m confrontational. I’ll tell you exactly how I feel about you to your face. And I’ll also resend my Venmo request for my roommate’s half of the rent that she still owes me if she hasn’t completed the request in one day. That’s how I roll. So don’t even go there with the whole “add friend” button thing.
I take pleasure in making other people’s business my business. But seeing other people’s financial transactions is neither business nor pleasure. I don’t need to know that you got reimbursed for gas on your girls’ trip to Vegas, okay? Nor do I need to know that Stacy paid you $14.00 even for “thumbs up emoji” on said Vegas trip. What does that even mean?
I’m the chillest person you’ll ever meet, but if you send me a Venmo friend request? I will fuck you up. You just made an enemy you do not want to mess with. An enemy who will decline your Venmo request for that $10.98 that I borrowed for avocado toast at Swingers. I’ll give you cash when I see you in person.
I keep it real. And while you may show up in my “Top People,” because yeah, I admit, we Venmo each other money quite a bit, you will never show up as one of my Venmo friends. I don’t do Venmo friends. That’s what keeping it real is all about.
So don’t even think about sending me that Venmo friend request, because I will not accept it. And I will not apologize for who I am, which is someone who occasionally scrolls through my ex-boyfriend’s transaction and wonders why he’s been sending someone named Brittany $7.98 along with an accompanying winky face emoji and “thanks for being you” in the comments. What the fuck, Brittany?
I deleted your Venmo friend request, but you haven’t seen the last of me. Because I just Venmoed the captain of my rec league basketball team our game fees and I did not select “participants only.”