5 Tips For Maintaining Your Wizards’ Beard – Allen Tate

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It knots easily, it looks scraggly, you can barely comb it and you don’t look classy at those mage circle luncheons. A wizard’s beard is almost as important as his staff. It represents time. Time spent training and honing the arcane. Time spent improving at your specific field of study. Time spent becoming a wizard. This is more than facial hair. It’s a part of your identity. But the damn thing just doesn’t stay looking sharp. Well listen up. This is straight out of Merlin’s guide for a well-groomed wizard’s beard.

5 tips to help you maintain this important look:

This one seems obvious. But you’d be surprised how many new wizards and some veterans skip this all together. Obviously, you’re not going to get away with using any old Walgreen’s bought oil, shampoo or conditioner. They need to be magically enhanced. Each one requires a different process.

The oil needs to be mixed with the rock sweat from a certain geological formation that resides on the side of the steepest volcano in the world. The shampoo has to be enchanted from the mermaids in the sand stone sea. Don’t forget they like to drown men. And the conditioner has to first start as a pulp from a fruit that lies deep in the Man Killer Forest. The word of caution should be obvious in that one. Once you have all three, remember to use them regularly. Every other day should do it.

I have a feeling that the obviousness of these isn’t going to lessen. And again, the comb can’t be just any old CVS one. You need to make it from the bones of a giant boar. But you don’t have to magically enhance it. So, that’s nice. This needs to be done every day.

You can cut it. I promise it won’t take any points away from wisdom. Quit being a baby and clean it up now and then. Be careful of taking too much length off as it is still a symbol of your prowess. But, definitely maintain it. You thought we liked the homeless magician look? Well, sometimes. But, not on you. So, clean yourself up.

What are all of you doing? Coloring your beard is beyond heresy. You think they’re attracted to a wizard that looks like he just came from the office Halloween party? The grey and white make your ensemble. No one and I mean no one will want you to enhance their weapons, enchant items or tag along for a big adventure if you take away from the wizard part of your look. It’s comforting. Stop creeping people out.

I know, he is who we all look up to. I get it. His beard is the pinnacle achievement. But even Gandalf went through some grooming struggles. Everyone has to start somewhere. Don’t let the glam over take you. Remember that Gandalf has already popularized Gandalf’s beard. Make your beard your own and be proud of the process. Pay attention to the process. It’s what makes the product so worth it. Plus, no one is going to beat Gandalf in a beard off. He’s fucking Gandalf.

If you follow these steps and continue to treat your beard with respect, you will have one the wizarding world envies and adores in no time. Your mentors and peers will come to you for pictures and advice. You beard is a part of your identity and as a wizard that matters as much as your magic. A professional look and the maintenance to keep that up show you can be trusted to get the job done. That you know a shit pot full of spells. And that the lesser beard wizards aren’t as trustworthy. So, get out there and grow the best beard around. Put those lesser beard wizards’ even further down on the magic social hierarchy. Then keep it that way.

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