How To Rock A Hitler Mustache While NOT Seeming Like A Nazi
It goes by many names — Lip Square, Philtrum Filter, Charlie’s Mucus Squeegee — but, unfortunately, it’s most commonly known as the Hitler-stache. Most people write off the bearers of this partial mustache as evil, racist, or terrible at shaving.
And for you life-long, facial-hair warriors devoted to reclaiming a seminal look from the depths of hell, I have some quick tips to make it crystal clear that your facial hair choice has NO association with Nazis or Hitler.
It’s just a awesome look.
You can’t be Hitler in flip flops.
Formal dressing is the 11th or 12th thing Hitler is well-known for, so put some separation between your Mouth Fez and the ultimate mustache of hate with some light summer wear. Could a man in shorts commit genocide? Maybe lederhosen, but why would you wear lederhosen?
Don’t wear lederhosen.
Point is, you’re one funny t-shirt and a pair of cargo shorts away from dragging your Nose Hair Extender out its racist iconography.
If you’re worried your lax duds will ax your chances at getting that fancy bank job, I’d say — don’t worry about that getting that job.
Avoid Waving And Hailing Cabs
If you’re man enough to fight for the Snot Dot, then odds are, you’re also a little stiff armed when waving.
For the normals, a motionless hand signal means nothing, but not for you…
My advice — stop it.
I know you’re wondering how you’ll signal your friends in crowded places, especially since they keep pretending not to know you.
Fear not — having a Nostril Bush is a wave.
If your friends want to know where you are, they can just follow the looks of the people asking, “Does that guy have a Hitler-stache?” You’ve probably noticed that people keep a safe five-foot distance from you, which creates a spotlight that screams, “Here I am. Deal with it.”
And when it comes to hailing a cab, get Uber — it’s 2019.
Wear A Yarmulke
That’ll show ‘em.
The Kippah, also known as a yarmulke, is a skullcap closely associated with the Jewish orthodoxy and considered a requirement for periods of prayer, but you don’t need to know any of that.
What’s important is screaming to the world “Look! Would a Nazi wear this? LOOK AT ME!”
Is it cultural appropriation?
But compared with being a Nazi, a little appropriation doesn’t seem bad at all.
Adopt A Puppy (And Don’t Drown It To Prove Your Loyalty To The State)
Hitler hated puppies.
They’re the 11th or 12th thing he’s well-known for hating. So, won’t everyone at the dog park be surprised when the man with a One-Toothed Hair Underbite shows up with little Fido. The more love you show your puppy the less hate you seem to be capable of.
What kind of dog should you get?
Not a German Shepherd, Rottweiler, Great Dane, Dachshund, Weimaraner, or Schnauzer. And just to be safe, go ahead and avoid Japanese Terriers, Akitas, or Shikokus…
But any other kind of dog is awesome. Just make sure you take a lot of time to socialize your puppy with people of all races and creeds.
Biting a single Rabbi can undo all your hard work.
And remember, don’t drown your puppy to prove your loyalty to Germany. At least, not until it grows up.