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Katy Perry was suspended in 6th grade for humping a tree she called Tom Cruise

I don’t know why Katy Perry felt compelled to tell us she humped a tree but she did and now we need to address it. Katy posted a photo on her Instagram Stories of a suspension peport from when she attended Santa Barbara Christian School. Over the photo, she wrote the caption: When I was suspended in 6th grade for humping a tree and I guess other stuff The report itself, made out in Katy’s original name, Katy Hudson, proceeds to give several details that didn’t exactly seem necessary to include, like the fact that the tree was standing in for Tom Cruise.

The crux of the suspension was:

At the 2:00 p.m. recess, Katy and four other students were in an ‘off-limits’ area (behind the backboards) practicing a skit. Katy pretended that a tree was Tom Cruise and began making sexual motions (pelvic thrusts) to the tree.

The letter states Katy had been busted for several things and the school was done with her nonsense. Katy has spoken about her super religious upbringing before. I think it’s pretty obvious that Katy was working out her feelings about that from early on. What ‘skit’ were they doing? It must have been a self-written bit, titled: I Want to Bang Tom Cruise. I had a crush on him too so I get that, but a tree is not a good stand in for Cruise. You know the part that pissed them off the most was that she was offering her flower to a Scientologist tree. I guess we now understand why the convents nuns were so against her owning their home.

Clearly Katy has put her Tom Cruise fornicating dreams behind her as she moves forward with Orlando Bloom. It seems like their romance is sticking, this second (third? fourth?) time around. Last Saturday, on the eve of his 42nd birthday, Orlando posted a pic to his Instagram that reflected on how far he’s come. Katy commented on his post by saying ”Glad I made the right choice doe Happy birthday angel.” And included a smiling-with-tongue emoji, a heart and a red circle, which has some people speculating that all indicates engagement news. I don’t think that comments suggests they’re engaged but I don’t think that announcement is too far off either. They both seem to have calmed down together so best wishes when it happens. Let’s hope it prevents Katy from assaulting any more foliage in the future, regardless of who she pretends it is.

Photo credit: Avalon Red and Twitter




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