Hello Sandy (Do you mind if I call you Sandy? Apparently, it’s what your friends called you in high school, and knowing this has made me like you even more than I did before!),
I am writing to apply for the position of being your best friend, or just like, your casual acquaintance. Like many Americans, I have been inspired by your rocket-like trajectory into Congress, moved by your ability to piss off old white men, and immensely impressed by your dancing skills and John Hughes movie knowledge. Your willingness to ask the tough questions that others are too cowardly to ask is truly admirable, your 70% marginal tax proposal is extremely reasonable and smart and would probably save the human race, and your bold red lip is to die for. This is why I am applying to just like, hang out with you sometimes.
Now, for my qualifications: I have more than 25 years of experience being a great friend, and I also identify with Ally Sheedy’s character in The Breakfast Club. I will compliment your outfits on the reg, even though they don’t need complimenting because they are always carefully chosen and perfect. As an avid retweeter, I will share your tweets with abandon because your Twitter game is on point. If one more reporter quotes you out of context, you will have to hold me back because I will respond to their dumb tweets with a snarky comeback like, “Chris Cillizza?! More like Chris Slice-zilla because you’re slicing up my BFF Sandy’s quotes left and right!” (Something like that but better, obviously).
You grew up a “Yorktown elitist” and I (this is true) grew up a “Somers elitist,” which is the town right next to Yorktown, and I’m also 29 so we seriously could have been friends growing up. (Were you also upset when they got rid of the Captain Video next to Kmart?!) And I also went to Boston for school — it was Emerson — but we totally could have been at the same Allston parties. What I’m saying is that I think this is fate, it sounds like fate, this is fate, right? I also have a very steady hand if you need a camera operator for your perfectly accessible Instagram stories.
Anyway, my resume is attached. Thank you in advance for your consideration. References available upon request, and they are my friends who are also freaking beautiful magical witches who are taking over the world, so you would fit right in the group.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
All the best,