Jeff Bezos issued a statement on Twitter today that he was divorcing his wife of 25 years, 48-year-old novelist MacKenzie Bezos. Hey, the online bookstore guy married a novelist, that’s commitment to a theme right there. Also, god bless rich people who marry writers.
— Jeff Bezos (@JeffBezos) January 9, 2019
Bezos has been seeing former Dancing with the Stars host Lauren Sanchez, who is 49.
Wait, hold up. He’s leaving his wife for a woman who is not only basically the same age as he is but also older than his current wife. What the hell kind of idiot billionaire with a lazy eye leaves his wife for someone older and not a half dozen 19-year-old bikini models? Someone needs to take Leonardo DiCaprio’s “How To Be a Rich Guy” class at The Learning Annex.
Here’s Bezos and his wife with Sir Patrick Stewart and his third wife who is half his age because Sir Patrick Stewart knows what’s up.
And seriously, what’s going on with that eye?
While Bezos and Sanchez took their relationship public this fall and said they started dating after separating from their partners, text messages obtained by the National Enquirer paint a different story.
In one message obtained by The Enquirer, on newsstands today, Bezos wrote: “I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon.”
What does “alive girl” even mean? Like the Pearl Jam song “Alive”? Did she tell him he never met his biological father?
In another pillow talk exchange, on May 13, the horn-dog billionaire wrote: “I want to smell you, I want to breathe you in. I want to hold you tight.… I want to kiss your lips…. I love you. I am in love with you.”
I feel bad for Bezos. It’s not like he made his money by using algorithms to spy on people and hoover up as much personal information from consumers as he possibly could while making his underpaid employees piss in trash cans. Oh wait, he did exactly that. I hope his dick pics leak.