15 Places On The Planet Donald Trump Won’t Be Visiting Due To Extreme Weather

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Truth In Satire

White House releases list of locations where the president will no longer travel because of rain, sleet, snow or high heat threat

The official “fair weather” president. (Credit: www.dailykos.com)

After an embarrassing incident in France last weekend when President Donald Trump failed to attend a ceremony to honor fallen WWI soldiers due to a fear of getting wet, the White House has just released a list of locations where he won’t travel to in the future due to the likelihood of inclement weather.

Those weather conditions include, according to the memorandum, “rain, sleet, snow, extreme heat, hurricanes, monsoons, dust storms, blizzards, floods, hail storms, and other ominous meteorological conditions.”

The White House memo also contained handwritten notes from Mr. Trump regarding his objections to each of the locations in question:

Dubai — “Not if I have to wear a suit, way too fucking hot.”

Australia — “I saw in last Mad Max film — very good by the way — this huge dust storm. Grit got into Charlize Theron’s eyes, mouth — do not want that in my hair.”

Sri Lanka — “Give me a break, it’s monsoon season there all the fucking time.”

Iceland — “There are active volcanoes in Iceland—dangerous lava. Strike from list.”

Peru — “Ivanka went to this shithole country on a vacation once, almost got swept away in a mudslide. Not going there.”

Sierra Leone — “Rains like there’s no tomorrow. Forget it. Unless I can score a blood diamond or two, then I’ll go but only for one night.”

Egypt — “Dry as a nun’s panty hamster in Cairo. Very bad for my skin. Send Kushner instead. Maybe a camel will spit on him.”

Madagascar — “Not rich, no good reason to go there, but more importantly, it’s like the number one place on the planet for hurricanes. They call them tropical cyclones, but same fucking thing. Delete.”

The Maldives — “I’m 6’3”. These islands are six feet above sea level. You think I’m going there to drown in 12 feet of sea water during the next tsunami? No way, lose it.”

Northern Japan — “One blizzard after another, a lot of people don’t know that. I’m not a snow guy. Take it out.”

Ethiopia — “It’s like 400º in Ethiopia. And they got Ebola coming out of there asses. Re-route, I don’t even want to fly over the place.”

New Zealand — “Total rainout. Country’s just a giant bog. Not enough umbrellas on Air Force One to protect me here.”

Oklahoma — “Tornado fucking alley right smack in the middle of the USA. Don’t schedule me for Tulsa. Ever. Send Pence.”

Congo — “They got methane gas trapped under their lakes ready to explode. It’s a giant fart waiting to happen. Disgusting. Absolutely never going to the Congo.”

Azerbaijan — “My hair and Azerbaijan’s winds? Not going to happen. And put southern Chile and Argentina on the no-go list, too, for the same fucking reason.”

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