Your kid is psyched to watch you spend $218.53 on items he will never use.
It’s that time of year! Your school has sent out their supply list and your kid is beyond psyched to watch you spend $218.53 on items he will probably never use. Not every school supply requests are equal. You hate some and love others. Here’s what your favorite school supplies say about you:
2 boxes of Kleenex
As a kid you were bullied because you were a mouth-breather and always had a thick layer of dried snot between your nose and your upper lip. As an adult, you use your shirt or a paper towel to blow your nose when you have a cold.
48 glue sticks
You pick your nose at traffic lights and wipe the boogers on the side of your seat. You also have 67 cans of sardines in your pantry from the last three times they were on sale at Costco.
6 composition books
You saw a bullet journal tutorial on Pinterest, spent $56 on supplies, made a super-clever key of signifiers for all of your activities, and then abandoned the project after numbering 34 pages.
3 boxes of Ziploc bags
You tell people your mixed-breed dog is a rescue even though you bought him for $2,400 at a puppy store that buys inventory from a breeder whose license was recently revoked by the USDA.
2 yellow highlighters
Since March you’ve been training your child for the November Kindergarten Fun Run. Recently, you started a Go Fund Me to purchase a chip timing system and circulated a Change.org petition to have the course certified.
3 packs of dry erase markers
You rage-tweeted against plastic straws until you tried a paper straw at a small-town hipster coffee joint that serves drinks in Mason jars and also sells records. Now you are stocking up on plastic straws Y2K-style just in case they are banned one day.
5 two-pocket folders
You make small talk with your neighbors at least once a week, but don’t know the wife’s name because you forgot it after she first introduced herself and thought it was awkward to ask the next time you saw her because she remembered your name. That was four years ago.
4 boxes of 24 crayons
You had braces both as a kid and as an adult but never wore your retainer so your bottom teeth are currently at right angles to one another.
Continuous supply of pencils
You have 14 issues of the New Yorker on your nightstand, 13 different Star Wars t-shirts in your dresser, and a rotten bag of Italian parsley in your vegetable drawer.
You occasionally search for dolphin Trapper Keepers on eBay and are always distressed when the ones in good condition cost more than you spent on school lunches during all of third grade. You are totally fine going to Target to buy shampoo and spending $218.53 on crap you don’t need, but whine and complain when you spend the same amount on school supplies.